Dear Dr. Mama,

Our daughter is approaching the 2-year-old mark, and my husband and I are in the middle of the Angels training, preparing to bring a foster child into our home. I have to admit that our little girl has been the princess around here, and my question is how can we prepare her to accept a little newcomer? We want her to adore our Angels baby, not resent him or her. Can you help?

Anxious in Alpine

Dear Anxious,
This is an exciting and challenging time for all of you. Going from 3 to 4 in your household is a big leap, and the more you include your princess in the process, the happier the transition will be.

There’s lots you can do to have her join in the planning that will make this new adventure a lot easier.

When you talk about the baby who will be joining you, give her a concrete idea of when to expect him. Two-year-olds have a limited sense of time, so you may want to tie it to something she can relate to, like ‘after Easter’ or ‘when the pink flowers bloom in the yard’. Having a calendar in a prominent place, and showing her the days and weeks as they pass can help.

This is a bit more complicated than it might be with a biological sibling, since you can’t know for sure when the baby’s coming or how long he’ll stay in your home. Explain in terms she can understand that the baby is coming to live with you because he needs a mommy and daddy AND a big sister. Follow her lead and answer her questions without adding more detail than she can handle.

She may ask where the baby is now or where he’s coming from. Realize that her questions are meant literally. She doesn’t want to know about sex or about parents who can’t care for their children, but is asking you for a location and transportation plan. Offer honest answers as best you can that are appropriate for her age.

In the meantime, try to keep her routine as normal as possible. Any big day-to-day changes should happen well before the baby’s arrival, if possible.

There are lots of activities you can do together to warm her up to the idea of having a baby around:

• Ask if your local hospital has a sib preparation class. Many do, and they make it fun for the ‘big sister’. Check first to make sure it’s appropriate for a foster situation.
• Look at her baby pictures and talk about how small the new baby will be. Let her know how important she will be in helping to care for this baby.
• Visit friends or family with babies.
• Ask to meet other Angels families who’ve made a similar transition. Our families are incredibly generous and helpful, and have great wisdom to share.
• Talk to your Angels social worker. The staff is full of helpful hints for all situations

Above all, let her know that she’ll always be your special girl, and no one can ever take her place.

In spite of your best efforts, the early days with your Angels baby will be an adjustment for everyone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. And be proud of yourselves, and of your little girl. It’s an immensely generous thing that you’re doing.

Good Luck!
Dr. Mama