November 2011 Newsletter
Dear Dr. Mama,
This has become a hot topic among my friends who have little boys and it’s especially sensitive for me because I’m a single mom with a seven year-old son, and now a foster mom to a three year old. At what age is it no longer appropriate to bring a boy into a public ladies’ restroom? When do other women start to get creeped out? When do the boys get embarrassed about being in the stall with me?
I have to say I’ve been less than comfortable about it since my son was four or five, and my girlfriends say he’s plenty old enough to go into the men’s room by himself, but I’m hung up on the safety issue.
First of all, letting young boys go in there alone seems frightening to me. How do I know if weirdos are lurking? Then there’s the question of what to do while I’m in the ladies’ room? Do I let them wait for me outside the door in a public place like the mall or a restaurant? How old really IS old enough? Should I let my seven year old watch the three year old? Is there a right answer?
This is scary stuff and I need a reality check and an expert opinion.
Thanks!
Nervous in North Park
Hi Nervous, and thanks for the great question!
This is one of those judgment calls that are never easy.
We’ve all been there, at least those of us with sons, and there’s no developmental milestone that I’m aware of called ‘ready to go to the public restroom without adult supervision.’
One thing you need NOT be concerned about is what other people think. Most women are accustomed to little boys in the ladies’ room, and as long as your boys are polite and considerate (and we know they are) they should have no problem with it. Any rude comments that come your way can be ignored. Your priority should always be your children’s safety and comfort.
There are a couple of things to consider that can help as guideposts for when the time is right. First is the maturity and feelings of your guys. How independent are they in other situations? Have they shown you they can follow instructions responsibly? Do they have an awareness of safety issues and the skills to protect themselves? Have they asked to go to the men’s room? Do they complain when you take them into the ladies’? Chances are they’ll give you clues when they feel ready to take this step. I say ‘they’ here, but I’m really referring to your older one; the small fry is definitely too young now, but the same guidelines will apply when he gets older.
Next is the question of where, specifically, you are. It makes sense to start small with a place they know and are already comfortable with, like your local library or a neighborhood restaurant. Bigger, more public places like airports and malls can come later after they’re older and have established a track record and comfort level. This will make it a stepwise process and allow you to gain confidence.
Just as important as the when is the how.
If you haven’t already, have more than one talk about stranger danger and what to do when approached by an adult. Practice with them. Let them know to always trust their gut and do the scream and run any time they feel unsafe.
Start small. The first few times you let big guy go it alone you may want to stand just outside the door and talk to him while he’s inside. When in doubt we’ve been known to hold the door open a crack while facing in the other direction.
When you go into the ladies’ stall he doesn’t need to go with you. Find a safe spot within view of the door and plant him there. Give clear instructions to stay put and keep in verbal contact until you get back to him. He’s probably not ready for the added responsibility of keeping an eye on little guy – at least until you’re all very comfortable with the new routine.
We’ve all heard the exceedingly rare, but well-hyped horror stories about kids who were victimized when parents’ backs were turned; in restrooms, walking to school, or just playing in the back yard. These freak events get blown up by the media and start to seem like the norm, but they’re far from it. The real risk of a horrific crime is tinier than tiny.
Use sensible caution, but avoid sending your boys the message that the world is a scary, dangerous place. Build their confidence over time as they gain your trust and let them know they are capable and competent.
~ Dr. Mama
