April 2010 Dr. Mama Question
Dear Dr. Mama,
We’re fostering an adorable little Angel who’s been with us for about a year. She’ll be 2 next month, and recently she’s started biting! The first time was after a visit with her bio Mom, so we thought it was due to the stress of the visit. But since then she’s kept it up and it happens at least a couple times a week.
The most frequent “victim” is our 4-year-old daughter, who’s starting to get really mad about it.
Why is she doing this, and how should we be reacting? Her behavior is otherwise stellar, but this has got to stop!
Frustrated in Fallbrook
Dear Frustrated in Fallbrook,
I feel your pain (ouch!). Biting behavior in toddlers isn’t as uncommon as you might think – more than half of children go through a biting phase sometime between the ages of 1 and 3.
There are several reasons little ones bite. The biggest is that it’s one of the few ways they can communicate effectively before their verbal skills are well developed. While they may not have the words to express what they’re thinking and feeling, biting never fails to get attention. Think of it as the toddler form of a universal language.
Toddlers also bite out of frustration. Their tools, both language skills and motor skills, are so limited that they get frustrated trying to carry out tasks, and often their reaction is to bite. A third reason is that they’re used to putting everything in their mouths anyway, so why not someone’s arm?
Even when parents understand the reasons for biting, it can still be upsetting when it happens to your child (and embarrassing when it involves another child in pre-school or the play group). So what’s the best way to deal with it?
The one thing you should never do, despite the temptation, is to bite back so your kiddo knows what it feels like. All that does is reinforce the habit. Instead, if she bites, first give attention to the one who was bitten. This sends the message that biting is NOT a good way to get attention. At the same time, tell the “victim” (your older daughter) that you know biting hurts and it’s the wrong thing to do. Your little one will hear the explanation and get the idea. She’s too young to understand that other people have feelings, so she needs to hear it from you.
Then, make it a regular thing to let her know biting is unacceptable. Talk about it, as in “no, we don’t bite, we use words to express our feelings”. Suggest some words she might use instead of biting and practice them. This can become a word game, and your older one can play too.
Try not to give the biting so much focus that it becomes an attention-getter. This is true of all behavior you don’t want to see repeated. Say firmly “we don’t bite”, and then move on to something else. A big reaction on your part is entertaining to her, and this is just what you want to avoid.
Good luck!
~ Dr. Mama
